To You: The Only Girl I’ve Ever Loved
Starting a blog means a lot to me. I always loved reading other people’s writing, bits of their life experience and wisdom. Yet, I was always afraid to take the step and start one myself. Until a few weeks ago, when I was in a very low point, I thought that there is no way I will die without having a blog. So I started to write — the first piece is a film essay of a great animated film. the second is more or less some food trivia. Then I stopped. Just like a lot of things that I have started, I lost confidence when it didn’t go the way I wanted.
No one really read my writings.
At first I was discouraged, but of course I realized that it takes so much more to run a blog aside from writing half-baked pieces. Having a niche, writing consistently, engaging the community, and all the other stuff. So I did feel quite better, yet somehow feeling worse because I know I haven’t put my best efforts yet. And again, probably the fear is holding me back. The fear that even if I tried my best, it will be just the same.
Well, fuck it. Let’s just write more and see what happens.
Today, I will write a letter to someone who have disappeared from my life — or anywhere in this world. She was the first girl who I fell in love with, and I still love to this day — a bold statement for a very straight girl. But I do. I literally asked her that I would want to be her girlfriend if I’m gay. Probably I am, just for her. If only I could ever find her again.
Dear You,
I don’t really remember the first time we met, but it was 10th grade. We weren’t in the same class but sometimes we met in the canteen because we had a mutual friend. We didn’t talk much at first but I do remember that you liked pun jokes. I thought that was very adorable. I was friend with your bestfriend at the time — to be honest, I never really liked her. Probably because she reminded me of some parts of myself that I don’t like. But I do appreciate her for being a better friend for you than I ever was.
I like when your eyes light up each time you talked about things you were passionate about. The first Tom Holland’s Spiderman movie had just been out, and you could talk for hours about MCU’s plot and timeline. You watched anime and draw manga arts — sorry I didn’t watch Attack on Titan and hyped the show with you back then. Season 2 must had been be airing at that time and I know now that it was phenomenal. We watched similar YouTube channels and I knew how much YouTube algorithm can predict your soulmate, haha.
I remember when you lent me your expensive Copic markers after I told you that I want to have one, I didn’t even know that you have a set of them! Sorry that I used them for very long and gave them back a bit rugged. You have to know that your markers introduced colors to my drawings, just like you did in my life. I hope that you were happy with what I gave you when I returned it. Not much, but I know you like cats.
There are thousands of reason of why I like you. Unlike me, you have this grounded sense of self. You are very stoic and never let bad things in your life get into you, always calmly observing and learning from every single person and instances. When you fail, it’s so easy for you to stand back up and learn from your mistake without a single pause. You live in your own world and not give a single fuck to what the others were saying, while somehow being one of the most empathetic person that I know.
You used to say ‘fudge’ to say fuck. I always thought that’s cute.
I remember when I once slept at your home. It was too late and you suggested me to stay. So I stayed. I was intrigued by how similar our homes were. We literally had the same tacky souvenirs from abroad littered in the living room, the same carved wood furniture, and even the same prayer clothes. I wondered if your upbringing was similar to mine because of that. But it was not. I never saw your mom when I played at yours. It’s because she was never there and you treated the divorce like something unimportant to you.
One day, you said casually that your dad is getting married tomorrow. I could never say that with a straight face and proceed washing my hands, but you did. You just said that it’s a bit weird. I said that it’s not weird to feel weird when your dad is getting married again. Probably I’m the one with dramatic reactions to small things in life, but I was just stunned that you are able to go through big changes in your life calmly.
I remember seeing your mom for the first time, I never would have thought that she is your mom. You guys just dressed so different, and I was not really sure how the world works back then. Your full-length hijab and your mom’s short skirt is quite confusing for me, someone who thought that kids must always have been shaped by their parents. Sorry I stereotyped you on how you dress. I love that you dress for comfort and not give a single fuck to what the others have to say.
I was sick one day and you let me slept on your lap. That time, I feel loved.
You said that you like listening to me. For someone who likes to talk about big ideas and anything under the sun, I feel very appreciated. Vice versa, I liked listening to you. You can make the most boring topic to be somewhat interesting by how lively you talked.
Once, we went to a debate competition together and managed to be the second runner up. Here’s one secret: you’re my favorite team mate I’ve ever had. That’s huge because I had been going to competitions with my crush as my team mate. While we only went once together, it was always my favorite competition. We worked like clockworks and complemented each other well, shame that we never got to do it again.
I thought we would be best friends and will always be together.
One day before the holiday, right after we got our school reports, you waved at the in the distance and run to me. It’s been a while since we saw each other, because a thing or two.
And you hugged me, tight.
I wasn’t really thinking when you hugged me, but now that if I recall that moment, I feel like that’s the most romantic moment in my life so far. I’m a huge hopeless romantic and always crave for moments of affection, so that hug is special to me. Again, I feel loved. What I didn’t know is that you hugged me to say goodbye.
Once the holiday is over, I was back to school as a sophomore and was excited to see you again. But you were nowhere to be found. When we got to see the class lists for the year, I quickly searched for your name. Again, it was nowhere. Where are you? I was confused because you never told me anything. I got the answer by asking your bestfriend, that’s how I found out that you have moved to another city.
That was a hilariously bad day. My favorite teacher had just passed away, I got rejected by my crush, and my best friend has moved to another city without telling me.
I cried at my new desk.
After a while, after telling you through text that I was disappointed that you never told me anything, you apologized that you never said anything. You said that it’s easier to just leave. And it probably was.
Years gone by, and sometimes we still talked. The first year, once a couple months. The second, still. The third, I lost your contact for a while but managed to get it again. The fourth, I lost it again, but this time I never find you again.
To be honest, I still think of you to this day.
And even if it’s really hard to find you again, I believe we will be reunited one day. We have talked about this — you and me in a small sunlit café in the corner of the street.
So before that moment, please take care.
Many love that I can never return ,
Aurizza.
That’s it for today.
